Aids

I am proud to say that through the years, I have learned not to be rattled easily by my problems. And if there are negative thoughts swarming in my head, I can keep my mouth shut and not complain but accept my situation. Believe me, if you’ve met me highschool or college time, you’ll be suprised how much I’ve changed. Some would even say that I am quite the opposite of who I was back then. I can definitely say, comparing the old me and the new me (spanning a time line of ten years), the old me used to "think too much" and the new me, as a friend said, "ikaw aids, whatever happens around you, chill ka lang" Brrr. *Loud laugh*

This is usually the case, 9 out of 10 times. And this night is probably an exception to the rule. The old me still surfaces once in awhile, and this night, he comes back to haunt me. Well, there’s always an excuse for nights like this, I AM ONLY HUMAN.

So where to start?

Why am I writing this damn blog anyway? Maybe because there’s nobody to talk to. I mean really talk to, and getting that feeling afterwards that I was understood. Don’t get me wrong, I have very good friends who offer me the usual deep personal talks but I think I can handle figuring out myself on my own. I am my own best friend. I just need to release some negative emotions building up inside.

Now to my monologue.

The question is, to God (the Universe), umm, where the HELL are you taking me? Positives first, thank you Lord for all the lessons I’ve learned from those shit-y moments, especialy the lessons about patience and acceptance. Okay, after acknowledging the good, let me ask you, why one roadblock after another? 

Okay, I did pray for two things, circa 20 yrs old, I remember: I prayed that you’ll change me, that you’ll mold my character. Okay, this MUST be the price to pay: more pain than glory.. ika nga nila, pain is the greatest teacher. True, true.

I also prayed that you’ll use me as an instrument of your will. Do you plan on making me the millenium version of JOB? It seems like it.

For example, these past five years, the only thing I wanted to do was to be a good entrepreneur. And you know, deep inside, that I was doing this because I felt it was where I could make a change. I was "meant" for this.

But five years after, I have nothing to show. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Okay, I admit my mistakes. I take responsibility for them. My ignorance — "all i need is a great idea kahit walang contacts or resources" — and arrogance — "kahit ako lang mag-isa kaya ko to!" — voila! the perfect recipe to be part of this statistic : 8 out of 10 businesses fail on their first 3 years. Hayy.

But please give me credit for my effort and my never give up attitude. Some bitter sweet memories: I’ve probably asked hundreds of people (mostly friends) to help me with possible ventures, and wasted hundreds of hours convincing them only to be turned down. I have done hundred hours of research in all existing libraries or business centers in manila (even provinces) where some of the clerks of said offices look at me with irritation, "ikaw na naman??"

I admit helping out my dad keeps me busy. For now. Since I can’t build my own, might as well help out in the family biz right?  But it doesn’t do my self-esteem any good admitting the truth. C’mon lets admit it. I am an underutilized, underachieving COO (child of owner). The whole damn business can survive even without me! Nevertheless, I make the best of what you give me.

So, is this all there is? All my goals seem unattainable now. For years, i’ve been praying for help. Can you please send someone to help me, teach me or just guide me how to make things happen? Help me correct my mistakes and teach me how to do it right? No answer. I must have prayed that prayer a thousand times, and even if the tears fell, my prayers were unanswered.

Now, all I pray for is a sign. After everything that happened in the past five years, I’m beginning to doubt if this career is for me. Can you please show me a sign? If I was meant elsewhere, give me the courage to accept my failure here and help me move on and discover what I am supposedly "meant" to do.

P.S. Now I wonder, Lord, will you answer this request? I remember the last prayer you answered, it was three years ago. I think it was the only time you answered me. Alam ko hindi ako malakas sa iyo so I’m not expecting you to answer me. Nevertheless, I wanna say thank you for listening. Thanks.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 6th, 2006 at 11:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.